These are my self portraits.
The only way I can explain them is vaguely and objectively. Otherwise I am opening a can of worms and my thoughts will just spin and I go way off topic.
I am terrible at verbally and textually expressing myself. Drawing is my coping mechanism. I don’t share everything.
The middle two drawings are the focus of this post. I am sometimes so scared that i may have some sort of debilitating back/body pain issues. I get very localized spots of pain on certain parts of my back. I blame this on my developing boobs at like 11 or 12, as well as a slight scoliosis that was never treated, not even with a back brace. I have essentially been hunched over my whole life.
Fast forward to my 20’s, when I go to doctors and tell them about all these pains I have (all over my body, not just my back) they write me a prescription for horse pill sized ibuprofen and recommend a physical therapist. The physical therapist then “shows” me some exercises (do x amount everyday) and sends me on my way. It has always been like this and it makes me want to cry forever. I cannot sit up straight, my shoulder muscles don’t know how to relax, all of my joints are sore and stiff. My entire body is almost always in some form of pain. Being in a body like this makes it very difficult for me to take action. I know it’s not a weight thing now too. I lost 60lbs in 2012 and I still felt all of these things, some of them more acutely. Aaaaand I’m pretty sure I have some major form of arthritis or some overactive nerve thing on top of it all.
I have not seen a doctor in about 4 years. Maybe 5. I don’t know, I don’t feel like they actually care or try to help me figure out if there is a problem. My only way to express how I sometimes physically feel is through drawings. And it’s actually in everything I do.
I have noticed that I project my disabilities (both diagnosed and not) in all of my artwork. My ladies slouch, I draw eyes everywhere, extra hands and arms would be nice in real life, I hate my feet and hate drawing feet. The women I draw are me in some way, or how I aspire to be. Only with more strength and confidence.
Art helps me relax. Art helps me make friends. It takes my mind off of the pain. But not always. Sometimes I hurt so much that I can’t lay down, sit down or stand up. wtf man? Sleeping is a joke lately. It comes in waves and is usually accompanied by strange dreams. It’s restless.
I put on a good front and I don’t complain verbally very often these days, but this is how I feel.
My coping mechanism when I was younger was masturbating. That topic that’s taboo to talk about. I’m not a prude, but I don’t like to share the sexual aspects of my life. I like to keep the personal personal. However, that painting sums up ME. Sometimes it was the only way I could fall asleep.
I have a good life though and I’m with someone who truly understands what I am going through because she’s going through a lot more than I am.